Students Make Connections for Good

For me these days, writing is a sporadic delicacy which can only be partaken as a release from juggling three jobs and student teaching three English classes. Along the way, I am privileged to read the personal narratives of this semester's community service scholars at Paly (more than 200!). When an administrator flippantly suggests our students are giving back "just to look good on their college apps," I point to the reflections we've gathered over four years to prove the contrary. Young people mainly give back to make positive connections with others, and to make a contribution to their interests in the world. 

When I meet with a student for whose project I need clarification, he or she will generally reflect fondly on a life-changing experience for the hours to be recognized on the high school transcript. Yes, many of our students want to get into that certain school and they want to put their best food forward. But no, our students are not pursuing random service for their resumes. They are creating powerful connections to their interests and passions, while spreading goodwill and "doing the right thing". And we all need more of that, regardless of where we have gone or will go to college. 

Still not convinced? Read George Saunders's convocation speech given at Syracuse University, June 2013. It will open your heart. 

Hungry for more? Peruse a few of last year's Palo Alto High School student reflections on service at Get Involved, Paly.

Need proof? Check out this amazing video of a student doing one simple act to change the world. 

Open doors and Other Small Things

Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways it can change someone else's life forever. ~Margaret Cho (b.1968); comedian,actress

My workouts at the gym have gone late into the evening during the past month or two, as I put the miles on training for a ten mile race in San Juan Bautista. One Wednesday night I ran on the treadmill for eight solitary miles and closed the place down. As I dragged myself into the foyer toward the double doors to go home, two men about my age chided each other about their basketball scrimmage. I was a pace or two behind them, so I let them go ahead assuming they would hold one of the doors--or at least not let it slam into me. Hormones must have been overflowing from their game, because they hardly noticed another human was in their midst and both doors clipped me as I tried to squeeze through.

The next night, I had a little stop to make at TJ Maxx on my way home from work to pick up a birthday gift. After the night before and bumping into the doors under false assumption, I didn't want to embarrass myself so I reached out as another mom entered before me. Surprisingly, she made eye contact and then intentionally held the door for a few extra seconds to give me time to go through. All the mom's poking around at TJ Maxx that evening seemed tired like I was--just trying to do the bare minimum and go home. I was even more tired that night, just from hard work all day, so her gesture energized me just enough to find the birthday gift and head back into traffic.

The following Sunday in church I heard an old friend of mine give a talk about the little things we do to uplift each other, and she cited the example of her mom waving goodbye to the family as they drove down the street after their visits. She had other examples of small acts of redemption we do for each other, things that really make a difference. I thought about my observations over the past two years in this blog. Even though I haven't had the time to write about everything I've witnessed, the constant theme has forced me to look for more good during another somewhat difficult "transition time" in my life.

I was given a thankfulness journal in a church meeting last Fall, so I put it in the driver's door compartment of my car in hopes that I would find a few minutes each day to note some "small things" that others did to uplift me. I find that when I start writing, the list just goes on and on. Those days when guys at the gym let the door slam, or when someone is rude to me on the road, are turned around by so many others who take the time to stop along the way--to open the door, to say hello, and recently to bring a magic Valentine to our house. All are reminders that life is good, and the world is abundant with good people who do good works. The only way to truly appreciate this bounty is to watch for and take note of all the small things.

Looking for small things you can do?
Check out the Random Acts of Kindness tool.
http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/Kindness-Ideas.html

Payin' it Forward and Slowin' it Down

My week started out fast and got faster. Too much work, too many errands, trying to fit in a little exercise between being a mom and planning my wedding, moving with my daughters to a new home, and the arrival of my first grandchild--all within the next four months. That's enough stress points to count as a seriously life-altering experience. But as a co-worker reminded me, "at least it's all good stress, right?" I find myself needing to go a little slower these days, or the world feels like it's spinning out of control around me.

Bob and I took some of our kids to a 5K race yesterday morning, the Big Bunny Fun Run. I had to take running slower, too, but for some reason I didn't care. The competetive, driving, "gotta get ahead" part of me is wilting and I don't really mind. Something about turning forty-seven and facing big changes in life has caused me to take life less seriously and I find myself squinting to see those little bright spots each day that remind me it's all worth the effort, and these transition phases don't go on forever. At some point things do settle down. On my way home yesterday, cars were speeding along 280 and several of them weaved around me almost in tandem. This happened twice, with different sets of drivers acting as if they were both competing for the same lane on an open stretch of a four-lane freeway. The second time this happened in front of me, I shook my head and backed away. "Too much hurrying for the Easter Bunny," I thought.

I arrived at home and intentionally ignored the things-to-do list, simply concentrating on the most pressing issues of the day. "I like this better," I thought, "no list to order me around, I can do what I want today." The afternoon passed slowly as I picked away at my Saturday chores, then we joined Bob's family for a strategy session planning the upcoming move, and dinner in downtown San Jose. Bob and I were both depleted after a busy week and an even busier Saturday. He usually accomplishes about twice as much as I do every day, so I wasn't surprised to hear that he had made it the post office after our morning race. Even after I told him he wouldn't make it. He wrapped up presents for his two grown sons, who are serving missions for our church, and took them to mail. He made it just as the post office was closing but In his haste, he had left his wallet in the car. He told his little girl, Taryn, to wait for him with the clerk while he ran out to get the wallet. When he returned, he discovered the customer ahead of him had chatted with Taryn and perceived that he was doing something special for his boys. She paid the bill and refused reimbursement. "It's Easter, and a time for celebration," she told him, "it's my pleasure." Little did this woman know how deserving this man is, and I am very grateful that she chose him to share her good deed to benefit a hard working single dad who never seems to complain.

In this pushy world of going faster and fitting more into our day, trying to all squeeze into the same lane on the freeway until our backs ache with the burdens we carry, it's comforting to know there are still some who take the time to notice another person's need. That was the premise of the story "Pay it Forward," by Catherine Ryan Hide, in which a twelve-year-old boy was inspired to do good works for others. I know Bob and Taryn were inspired by the woman at the post office who wished them a Happy Easter. Whether she continues to do service like this in her daily errands, she affected two lives yesterday. And when they later told the rest of us the story, another five were touched. We are reminded that we don't need to go quite so fast; the list will always be there, but the opportunity to do something good and needed can only be recognized in that split second opportunity. It cannot be recognized in a hurry.

More about Pay it Forward Foundation: http://www.payitforwardfoundation.org/
Share your Stories of Good Works: http://payitforwardnow.blogspot.com/

Community Service Today, and Every Day

As Bob and I started out on our Saturday afternoon excursion we stopped to check on a student volunteer who was helping with a community service clean-up project on his own. He had begun a few days before and just needed to finish. I was concerned to see him taking a break when I arrived, but as he toured me through the facility I understood that he had been on task. Leaving him with a verbal list of to-do's in order to put a lid on his efforts, I went about my day wondering what really motivates teenagers and young adults to serve.

Some students with whom I have worked are desperate to do anything that can be counted as community service because they have court-mandated hours after finding mischief and getting into trouble with the law. Others have the same desperation, but only due to the pressure from their parents to rack maximum hours for their transcripts in hopes of Harvard admission or a hefty scholarship. I find the most enjoyment from observing the efforts of the other two groups: 1.) students who find something they are interested in, and they pursue it through service, and 2.) students who simply find joy in giving of themselves, and in doing good.

We adults know the difference between doing something because we are required to by an outside authority and because we want to; speeding tickets and taxes come to mind. The creative juices do not flow when we are working to check off the boxes. Last fall I spoke with Megan Fogarty, manager of the John Gardner Public Service Fellowship at Stanford University, about the motivation to serve. She mentioned that Stanford had considered making service and volunteering a graduation requirement, but during an informal study the board decided the requirement produced an undesirable effect, the opposite of altruism: obligation.

In working with those who request my assistance in designing purposeful projects to give back to the community, I have begun to distinguish the subtle characteristics between required service and desired service. When the motivation comes from within, from one's unique talents and interests, the experience is gratifying and growth-promoting. When it comes from an outside source, such as a requirement, the result is often accompanied by a sense of drudgery and dread, (ex: "let's get this over with.") So, in honor of Martin Luther King and the National Day of Service, the third Monday in January, I hope that we can all look inside ourselves for the individual gifts that we have to offer and create something from those commodities, something that was not there before: genuine good works.

Read Susan Ellis' article, "Why Volunteer," for more benefits and motivations of service. Her top 5 reasons:

• to feel needed
• to share a skill
• to get to know a community
• to demonstrate commitment to a cause/belief
• to gain leadership skills

http://www.charityguide.org/volunteer/motivation/why-volunteer.htm

Vigilance

The train crossing near my home became a mourning place during the last six months, as four local teens chose to end their lives on separate occasions. The first one, in May, devastated me so much that my blog "Stop, Look, and Listen" was dedicated to the subject of reaching out to others and trying to find a place where we are needed in the world. Movies like Patch Adams come to mind, a story based on the true life devastation of someone who eventually found himself through giving to others. I am one of those who found herself through reaching out to resources around me; it wasn't easy, especially when I experienced personal crises and sometimes found it hard to just get out of bed. Service is not a cure-all, fix-all, but it can help, as we strive to connect with others--especially when things are bad.

In response to the tragedies at the train crossing, a group of dedicated parents and community members formed a group called "Track Watch," to keep a constant eye on the crossing and let the students know there are caring adults who want to make sure more teens won't succumb to this violent end. I spoke with one of the parents recently, as she sat bundled up in her fleece jacket and ear muffs, a lawn chair nearby. Her husband drove up with hot cocoa. She had signed up to volunteer because she knew one of the students who had passed away, and she just wanted to do something to show she cared. Other parents joined the ranks for similar reasons; they felt a connection to the lives of these young people and wanted to make a difference in the outcome of the tragedies. With the round-the-clock vigil since the last suicide, I felt a sense of care and warmth every time I crossed those tracks in my car or on my bike.

The Palo Alto Police Department has now placed private security patrols at the crossing, but I miss the sweet feelings of concern I perceived from the volunteer parents who came to stand vigil night and day for over a month. Palo Alto Track Watch is still working with area professionals and agencies, with an emphasis on gathering resources and information where high school students and their families can go for help. The volunteer focus has changed slightly, leaving observation of the crossing to the paid security guards, but the mission has not: saving lives by vigilance.

• To find out more about Track Watch in Palo Alto, CA: http://paloaltotrackwatch.weebly.com/links.html

"Be Kind"

I had to deal with an uncomfortable situation between my work and family life today. It's been one of those weeks when the gloves must stay on, a challenge for someone like me who dislikes contention. This was for my teenage girls, and I had to advocate for them. The outcome was just as flat as I expected; I left the meeting emotionally drained, with a confirmed view of their perception. "How can I let this not ruin my day, and my week?" I thought to myself. Then, as I drove from the bristly meeting to my twice-yearly dental exam I realized it could very well get worse!

Thankfully, Dr. Miyahara is the most caring and thoughtful dentist. He's the one who answered his office line a few years ago at 7:00 p.m. on a Sunday night, not flinching at my broken-tooth emergency which he handily repaired the following morning. Instead of freezing up, tightening my grip on the arm rests, and reliving the meeting at work, I looked out the window from the examination room and forced myself to notice the changing color of the leaves. (Yes, there is fall, even in California).

Dr. Miyahara gently worked his tools to smooth out my teeth; I started to think about the good things in my life, rather than certain people with whom I can't seem to gain much credibility. I remembered one of my coworkers, Carolyn, who strives every day to improve her surroundings, and to make us laugh at ourselves. She had visited earlier in the day, asking us to do a special favor for one high school parent: "Please go the extra mile for this mom, she needs our t.l.c. right now." Thinking about the impact of those who make life nicer lifted my spirits just enough to relieve the emotional drag from earlier unwanted confrontation. I left the dentists office with more than intricately cleaned teeth and gums; I felt energized by the care of others.

Like Dr. Miyahara, my daughter Sheridan is a mild and sensitive soul. She has always been one to nurture and reach out to others. She is more than a daughter, she is a good friend to me. Our weekend phone conversation had been a rare disagreement, and I was still reeling from it today as I proceeded to run the household errands. Three days in a row, I've had to deal with people being upset with me. "When will I ever get a break," I thought. Just little while later, in Sheridan's usual sweet way she sent me a text: "I'm sorry about our convo the other night...I got really worked up. I love you." The frustration was getting harder to hold onto; I was softening regardless of the hardness around me.

With only one more stop to make before arriving home, I received a call on my cell from some young missionaries with our church. "Are you ready for us to help put in your sod this afternoon?" Willing hands, gentle souls, and kind demeanors; all have lightened my load with their compassion today. The favor was further augmented when a friend called to tell me she understood some of the struggles I'm going through--I know she truly does, we've been in the same shoes. She reserved judgment and compassionately allowed me to vent the frustrations of single motherhood.

After talking with Suzanne, I felt more peaceful and able to bear my burdens. I walked to the fridge to get my special Hansen's soda as a personal treat for dragon slaying, and noticed the lime green polka dot magnet that a darling gal named Heather had made a few years ago. "Be Kind." When she first gave these to us at church, I thought, "Well, of course, that's not very profound." But as the days, months, and years go by, with ever-increasing pressure to keep up in a harsh world, I realize that Heather's words were the only thing that really count. It doesn't matter at the end of the day if I completed all the to-do's on my list, or even if I won the battle of the hour. Sometimes letting the other forces have their way leaves room in our hearts and minds for greater wisdom and understanding; even as we rush about we can remind ourselves to practice the art of kindness. Given the fact that my day started with irritation and ended with the examples of Carolyn, the dentist, Sheridan, the missionaries, and Suzanne, I think Heather's "Be Kind" magnet is here to stay.

Mercy, n. 1.) kindness in excess of what may be expected or demanded by fairness; forbearance and compassion 2.) the power to forgive or be kind. Syn. tolerance, favor, compassion.

The Millionaire Next Door

You may have read or simply heard of the best-selling book by Thomas Stanley, "The Millionaire Next Door," in which he describes the austere lifestyles of the rich and not-so-famous, the guys you would never guess have a dime to their names. My stepfather Chuck , 78 years old, is a perfect specimen for Mr. Stanley; he scrimped and saved all his life, now to spend his later years with several bulging bank accounts. As with all the other "MND's" in the country, you can't convince Chuck that he has plenty and he can splurge a little now and then.

I stopped for a brief visit today just after Chuck had returned from a trip, while my mom continues on the itinerary for another week. I figured since it was almost dinnertime it might be a good idea to see if there was decent food in the house. He told me that after being away from home for two weeks, he had made a trip to the grocery store but all he could think to purchase was a gallon of milk! There he was, preparing a tomato sandwich at 5:00 p.m. Luckily, he had also purchased that one item from the produce isle to keep his digestion moving.

Having just made my thirty-minute dash through Safeway as my car was being serviced, I had an extra quickie dinner in my car: Tyson's pre-cooked pork roast, a Club Card value this week. I'm embarrassed to admit that I had bought this in the first place, as I once secretly competed with my sister Katie to be the next Martha Stewart. (She has since won hands down and I have stopped taking myself too seriously.) It's a blow-out week for me and the girls; quickie dinners are the way to go. As Chuck told me about the highlights of his recent trip, I looked at the little sandwich he indicated was "breakfast, lunch, and dinner." I thought, "Add a little pork roast to that and maybe it will tide you over."

Chuck is a low-maintenance, hard-working, dedicated husband for my mom. I'm very thankful that they can spend their retirement years together, with Chuck puttering around the backyard between travels and my mom playing bridge at the local Senior Center. I guess that's why he expressed such gratitude for my visit and for the delivery of a microwavable meal. Sometimes that's all it takes to make someone's day, and to change our own perspective. Chuck, and other MND's like him, may have the resources to purchase mounds of food or even the entire grocery store, they just don't know it. Even these guys can use a little t.l.c. on occasion. And don't worry about the fine china, a microwave and paper plates will do!

Nothing to Lose

I am on the lookout for small or large acts of service, done on a volunteer basis; informal, grass roots, or fully organized. One such deed affecting me personally these days, however, might not be voluntary but rather part of the job at the bank where I recently opened a new account. I am not one to endorse a business or product on my blog about community service; however, it became apparent to me that "California's brand new 200-year-old bank" no longer cared about me when they refused my $100 deposit last month. The teller said he could not locate my checking account in the system since it was opened in another state five years ago. I have been in California four years now, and nobody at Wamu/Chase had ever mentioned that before.

The dismissive air of the young male teller was enough to ruin my afternoon. After several similar run-ins before and watching three other irate customers also being offended as no-names, I finally made the jump and walked into Wells Fargo. I knew they would at least say hello and take my money, since my son's account is there and I had dealt with them as I helped him through college. Apparently, Wells Fargo management has realized the value of great customer service. Every time I enter one of the branches near my home, I am nearly accosted by "Hello's." If I am standing in line for more than a minute or two, they remind me,"we'll be right with you."

After having been treated rudely for no reason at Wamu/Chase, and repeatedly trying not to let it get me down, I took a vote for myself and decided banking could be a warm fuzzy in my hectic and harried life. I have no idea what the salary structures are at either bank; something tells me there isn't much difference. I do know that the smiles and "hello's" coming from the Wells Fargo employees are brightening an otherwise tedious experience for most of us. Friendliness is contagious, even viral at this community-oriented bank.

Service with a smile is promoted from the top. The philosophy of the Chairman and CEO, Richard M. Kovacevich, reflects an attitude of giving, and it starts with the tellers sharing a little of themselves. The website observes, "Wells Fargo has long understood that we can be no stronger, nor more successful, than the neighborhoods and communities where we do business." There is a strong focus on corporate citizenship and social responsibility, with effective customer service taking the lead to promote good will in the community. And smart business leaders know that by starting with kindness on the front line, they have nothing to lose but everything to gain.

To read more about Wells Fargo's good works in the community: https://www.wellsfargo.com/about/csr/reports/

To learn more about corporate social responsibility, check out the statistics below listed on Forbes.com:

http://www.forbes.com/2008/10/16/corporate-social-responsibility-corprespons08-lead-cx_mn_de_tw_1016csr_land.html

"American Corporations Highest in Giving by Percentage of
Operating Income"
(Click on each link to find out which community organizations get financial help
from the company)

1. Kroger
2. Tyson Foods
3. Bristol-Myers Squibb
4. Best Buy
5. Eli Lilly
6. Wal-Mart Stores
7. Fluor Corporation
8. Xerox
9. Caterpillar
10. Northrop-Grumman

Service by Example

This week started out in a very hot church in Campbell, where I attended the memorial service for a relative. Carol Shortt had spent half of her seventy-one years battling the dreaded autoimmune disease lupus. An added benefit of attending the service was to experience her persona when she was healthy and whole. Carol had a loving and supportive husband who was determined to provide a decent quality of life for his beloved. Even when her body was nearly crippled, he helped maintain her desire to serve in the community by regularly driving her to a nearby nursing home to play the piano for the residents there. He said that even when her hands could no longer play all of the notes, Carol would sit and the keyboard and try to keep the melody. I’m sure the residents at the care facility did not care that the music was imperfect, just that she was still there as always, giving what she had to offer.

I was invited to share in the life celebration of another South Bay stalwart yesterday, an even larger gathering to honor Lynne Shawhan, who died at age 53 after a two-year battle with breast cancer. I did not personally know Lynne, but she is a member of my close friend’s family. I was moved by the depth of sorrow for the loss of this woman in so many lives she touched. Her gift was friendship.

Each of the joyful eulogists maintained that indeed she was Lynne’s best friend. I was told that she came to know all the parents of her children’s friends by first talking to them in the bleachers at their high school sporting events. From the powerful impressions at her service, I perceive Lynne Shawhan was someone who never took herself too seriously and always had time to strike up a conversation with anyone in her midst. How often do we selectively pick and choose who we will open ourselves up to, who we will allow into our lives? Lynne had no fear of the human race, she took it all in, seeing the good in others.

Now toward the end of the week I reflect on my own attitudes and tendencies to become overwhelmed and stressed out, with these two great ladies having touched my soul. I feel privileged to have been given a glimpse of what is truly important, once again. As Mom observed on the way home from Carol’s service, "No mention has ever been made about all the material goods a person has left behind—only the impressions they have left." Sometimes we don’t do enough to reach out, and other times we may do too much. Carol and Lynne seemed to have found the balance where true happiness lies, neither of them complaining about the hands they were dealt. I’m reminded that what we give is the way we will be remembered, not by what we've accumulated. It’s not what we have or what we do that matters most; but what we do with it, how we do it, and for whom that really counts.

Carol:

She volunteered her time to her church and Convalescent Hospital Ministry for the last 18 years coordinating religious music programs. In lieu of flowers, the family request donations be made in Carol's name to Convalescent Hospital Ministry 65 W. Rincon Ave. Campbell, CA 95008. (http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/mercurynews/obituary.aspx?n=carol-shortt&pid=129954256)

Lynne:

During her illness, she endured many ups and downs, but through it all maintained her incredible sense of humor. Even when in pain, Lynne was more concerned with the happiness of those she loved. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation in Lynne's name. (http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/mercurynews/obituary.aspx?n=lynne-shawhan-thompson&pid=130509865)

Why Serve?

In my capacity working on a high school campus and sharing community service ideas with our students, I often hear them ask if volunteering is a graduation requirement. Although there are fifteen hours of service as part of the district’s Living Skills class, technically there is no absolute requirement that service be performed to graduate. But, for some reason Palo Alto High School students demonstrate an intense level of social awareness. As mentioned in my previous blogs, our students are involved in everything from the local food bank to volunteering for relief organizations in Sri Lanka. I often consider the reasons why young people become interested in service, and how they might be motivated to share their talents in the community.

Scholars on the subject of volunteering have defined some of the driving forces to include:

· Acknowledgment of contributions

· Being part of a group

· Improved self-confidence

· A sense of accomplishment

· Opportunities to share proficiencies and talents

My own observations in collaborating with dozens of students on group and individual projects further demonstrate the motivating factors:

· A chance to explore interests and passions

· An outlet for creative self-expression

· A forum for connecting with the world outside of school

Some students are merely inspired by outside individuals, even celebrities, to perform service. Several notables have promoted the concept this summer. Michelle Obama and Maria Shriver on June 22, 2009 joined forces to encourage the spirit of volunteerism across America in conjunction with their appearances at the 2009 National Conference on Volunteering and Service. Former South African President Nelson Mandela, now 91 years old, called on people worldwide to do good works in celebration of his birthday. People were asked to spend 67 minutes volunteering on July 18^th, as a symbol of the 67 years Mandela spent campaigning against apartheid. A concert to kick off Mandela Day was held in New York with artists Stevie Wonder, Alicia Keys, and Aretha Franklin performing. Superstars like these are sure to inspire dedication to a cause.

Occasionally, I have the pleasure to meet with students who are neither driven by a sense of obligation, or outside inspiration, but by a simple and sincere desire to make a difference. Those are the students who look inside themselves to discover a connection between their unique talents and a pressing need in their community. They take the initiative to develop projects with little or no direction, just because they know it will be helpful to a cause that catches their interest. This type of service is always the most gratifying; it is also the most challenging, requiring us to go outside of our comfort zones.

Four students at our school are working overtime this summer to make their unique contributions in their areas of interest:

· Veronica Dao: organizing information about the community gardens of the Peninsula for student volunteer opportunities

· Charles Zhang: recording the volunteer activities and planning a searchable database of our students’ volunteer experiences

· Michael Abrams and Renee Singh: creating “Paly Environmental Initiative,” a resource to enlighten our school community and to provide free plants to every classroom

These young people and more have been motivated from within, and have taken the initiative to contribute their talents to the betterment of the high school community. Their only recognition comes from the satisfaction of knowing they are creating something that was not there before. Whether we do service by requirement, by inspiration from others, or an internal drive, we can each make a difference when we do good works.

Service Organizations Promoted by Mrs. Obama and Mrs. Shriver

· Corporation for National and Community Service: http://www.nationalservice.gov/

· Points of Light Institute: http://www.pointsoflight.org/

· California Volunteers: http://californiavolunteers.org/index.phphttp://californiavolunteers.org/index.php

Nurturing Works to Live By

The end of the school year, graduation, and summer bring new beginnings with restfulness and growth. Gardens are planted with seeds that require delicate care to produce delicious fruits and vegetables, alongside flowers to color our world. Whether we work to till the soil or merely appreciate those who do, it’s a wonderful time to replenish our souls.

In conversations with my children who are teens and early twenty-somethings, I wanted to see if they were equipped with some tools to nurture their spirits and cope with the pressure that will begin to build again in the fall. After many of life’s blows, I knew what tricks I used to comfort myself, but I was not exactly sure if I had a handle on my children’s methods. A quiver full of these little treasures, practiced regularly, will fend off storms and trials when the seasons change. Better yet, an attempt to soothe one’s own soul can make a difference in the life of another, for a double-good effect!

My Children's List (each with a Good Work twist)...

Feel Better Yourself.....Make a Difference for Someone Else

• Listen to your favorite music.....Make a CD of your favorite songs for a friend or acquaintance
• Cuddle with your pet....Take your pet to a rest home for a visit
• Watch “Finding Nemo:” Learn it and love it.....Remind someone who’s having a bad day to "just keep swimming!” (Dori’s line)
• Get rid of all your extra change via Coinstar.....Take someone to lunch with your spare change
• Hang out with positive people, even if you don’t feel like it.....Try to find someone who’s having a harder time, and hang out with him or her (hint: there will be someone at the local hospital or shelter)
• Do your hair.....Offer to help your brother, sister or friend with their hair
• Organize your closet or drawers.....Surprise your mom or dad by organizing for him or her
• Take a bubble bath.....Give someone else a break so they can take a bubble bath
• Clean.....Clean up after someone else, even if it’s not your mess (no complaining)
• Take a walk.....Walk to a neighbor’s house for a visit
• Read a good book.....Give a good book to a friend (tie a ribbon around as a gift)
• Eat your favorite food (in moderation).....Deliver your favorite food to a friend or neighbor (anonymous is okay)

For more nurturing ideas this summer, visit: http://www.actsofkindness.org/

Stop, Look, and Listen

Another high school student's life was tragically cut short this week on the train tracks near our home, making this the second in one month and the third in our community this school year. Every time I cross the tracks, I worry about our teenagers not understanding how incredibly short life is. When I was in high school and college I had many dark and depressing days. To combat this feeling of hopelessness, I discovered hundreds of little ways to reach out to other people, especially when I felt there was not one thing to look forward to. I don't know exactly where the idea to serve came from, but it saved my life.

My passion for volunteering and community service started when I was a junior at Homestead High School in Cupertino, California. I had moved there from another high-caliber school in Almaden Valley, where I had been a somewhat popular cheerleader with lots of friends and academic success. My first few months at the new school were dismal and lonely as I realized these students had known each other all their lives and had no need for new friends. Luckily for me, there was a group of hearing-impaired students who got together in the cafeteria every day at lunch. I quickly realized that this was my safety net. Instead of sitting out in the quad, exposing to everyone the fact that I was obviously alone, I would drift inside the center and buy lunch just so I could run into the silent bunch of students, busily working their hands into chatter. They took me in, and even attempted to teach me some signs so that they would not have to rely on the inaccuracies of my lips as I spoke. Their simple acceptance of one who was not their kind gave me the confidence I needed to try and make a friend or two at the new school. It was a long, slow process, and I didn't succeed very much, but by the time I graduated there were a few more people I could call friends.

The best outcome of this personal trial was the discovery of several volunteer opportunities in my community, which on some days were the only bright spots: El Camino Hospital Auxiliary ("candy stripers"), a convalescent home in Sunnyvale, and the academic-service clubs at Homestead. I worked with the physical therapists for a while at the hospital trying to rehabilitate a young woman who had tried to take her own life. This reminded me of the need to reach out for help and to never give up. Also, one of my new friends coerced me into adopting a grandmother at a nearby convalescent home. I chose a lady named "May," same as my grandmother and my middle name with a different spelling. May taught me what's it's really like to be lonely twenty-four hours a day. Finally, with two of the high school clubs I helped to provide CPR training and sponsored a Warren Miller ski movie as a fundraiser. Through these events I learned that I might possibly share similar interests with other students at Homestead. Even though it was still an empty time in my life, there were a few unique experiences that drew me outside of myself.

The efforts to assimilate into a community of which I did not feel a part eased the pain of once again being the new kid in town, but some days there was just nothing that would bring me out of my funk. My greatest growth came from the example of a girl from church, Mindy Williams, who may have taken me on as a project but the outcome was the same; she performed little good works for people in her midst for no reason other than to feel good herself. She was also the one with the idea to adopt a grandmother at the rest home. The nicest thing Mindy ever did for me was to make a specially-decorated cake for my sixteenth birthday. I didn't really want a party, because there weren't enough in my circle yet to fill a room, but she brought a few of the church kids over and they sang to me and gave me presents. I decided that night I would try to follow Mindy's lead in reaching out for opportunities to connect with others, instead of looking inside myself at the vast emptiness. It has not been easy, and anyone who knows my story can attest that my losses have been monumental, even after high school. The service ideas I learned as a teenager are what I have always reverted to when facing personal tragedies or even when I am just having a bad day.

As I remembered that very challenging time in my life and its effect on me, I could relate to the students who recently fell prey to the dangers of teen suicide. I wanted to tell all teenagers everywhere, and anyone who feels like calling it quits to "Stop, Look, and Listen." That is the little phrase my kids were taught to recite when they crossed the street as young children. It's also a useful reminder to slow down, especially when we think there is no hope. As my wise mother, a special education teacher, often reminded me, "There's always someone out there who has it worse off than you do." Volunteering and encouraging others to do the same has given me the daily perspective to stay connected to the world around me. Not one of us is expendable; we all have something to give and a purpose. Though it may take a lifetime to find it, we must keep turning the page to our personal story to discover our path, and never give up.

• Stop: Stop doing one thing that makes you unhappy, and start doing one thing that makes you happy.

• Look: Look around yourself at others to find someone who is suffering or hurt, who needs your help.
  

• Listen: Listen to your heart to think of one small way to make a difference today, at home, at school, at work, or in the community.
  

Please spread hope in the world by sharing this message with
anyone you think might need a little light today!

Spare Time

Our high school students share a special culture of reaching outside themselves, out of their comfort zones, to serve the community. Even though we host the President’s Award for Volunteer Service, many of these teenagers would choose to spend their time in this way with no thought of recognition or reward. While high quality community service and volunteering tend to slightly improve student’s chances of acceptance at some private colleges and universities, it is the leadership and creativity that provide the most growth. According to one former Stanford University admissions counselor, “we don’t care how many hours a student racks up building latrines; rather, we like to see personal dedication to a specific project.” These are the types of activities that youth latch onto, in order to experience something new in the world. In the process, they use their spare time to learn something new about themselves. Here is a sampling of past service projects, taken from a few of our files. If you find yourself bored or in need of a volunteer opportunity, I hope this list might inspire you!

Our kids......

• volunteered in rural Honduras
• volunteered at the Stanford Hospital Blood Bank
• served at the VA Hospital
• made tapes for the blind
• shelved books at the public library
• taught middle school students the rules of debate
• cleaned up the Bay
• coached soccer
• tutored peers in the Academic Resource Center
• called Bingo for the elderly
• were docents at the art center and children's museum
• trained Guide Dogs for the Blind
• served food to the homeless
• did farm chores at Hidden Villa
• worked at political campaigns
• worked in science labs doing research
• became camp counselors
• taught music, theater and ice skating to younger students
• helped potential immigrants fill out paperwork
• cleaned up beaches

Robert and The Key

“What Would You Do if A Giant Lived in Your Town?”
~Annell Williamson, 1992, as written in a letter to her son Cory Williamson.

What would you do if a Giant lived in your town? Would you run and hide or be afraid? Or would you wish he did not live there and he was dead. Would you throw rocks at him to try and make him leave r even try to kill him before he got mad and smashed your town.

It would take a lot of courage, but if a Giant lived in my town I would very quietly sneak up to his doorstep and leave a plate of cookies. BIG giant cookies with a big note that said, “TO THE KIND GIANT!”

He would find the cookies, look at the note and say in his big deep voice, “Hmm, kind giant? Cookies for a kind giant?”

Every day, on my way to school I would walk by the Giant’s big house and when I saw him in his big yard I would wave and yell, “Hello kind Giant!”

He would wave back and think to himself, “KIND GIANT? I am a kind Giant?”

On Saturday I would go to the Giant’s house to visit him and I would ask the Giant if he would be my friend. He would say, “Yes, I will be your friend because I am a kind Giant!”

Then he would pick me up and put me on his shoulders. I would feel so tall! We would walk down through town waving at everyone--the kind Giant and me. I’m glad I have a Giant that live in my town. Especially a kind Giant.

~~~

Last week, during one of my substitute teaching assignments as a PE teacher I discovered that one of the students in my class was the same one who had a very hard time cooperating in the special education classes where I had been scheduled the week before. He is one of those students who can bring entertainment value to the rest of the students in class, due to his disruptive humor. When I was "Robert's" (name changed) teacher in Special Ed, out of desperation I incorporated my mother's advice of "accentuate the positive." She spent thirty years teaching, mostly in the Special Education setting, so her wisdom carries a lot of weight. I guess my earlier acceptance of Robert paid off; he wasn't able to blend into the PE activities, but he did find time to do a good deed during class.

All of our teams were playing "ultimate frisbee," and Robert discovered that the other students weren't including him. I worried that this would set off his reaction of wreaking havoc on the field. He ended up going onto the track and talking with another student who was also being left out. If I had been his regular teacher, I would have required him to stay in the game. But a quiet Robert is an accomplishment. I kept checking in with him and talking to him in a friendly voice. Toward the end of class he asked me if I had lost a key? I looked in my pocket, and sure enough my car key was missing. I had taken it off the cluttered keychain to fit into my pocket, so it made no noise when it fell out onto the football field.

Robert was elated that he was able to make a positive impact for me that day. I gave him my sincerest appreciation and explained that he saved me an entire afternoon of searching all over campus to be able to drive my car home. He reminded me, "Most students around here would have thrown that key into the bushes, you know." Although he spoke the truth, I was proud of him that he chose to make a difference for good, and not to behave like "most students”. People generally rise to our expectations; I'm very happy that my mother taught me to expect the best, even from students like Robert. We may not know why people act out or seem to cause trouble all the time, but with our nurturing words we can bring out the good in those around us.

The Part-time Dog

There are many merits to traveling the world as a senior citizen. After slaving away for decades, exciting adventures await in such places as Angkor Wat, Siberia, and the North Pole. I miss my mom and stepdad when they are away, but they've earned their fun. They have such a simple life that when they want to pick up and go basically all they have to do is fill a suitcase and lock the doors. They have no attachments to pets at home, so Max is their welcome addition when it's my family's turn to leave town. When the timing of our little trips (never so far away), and their short stints at home line up, "Grammie and Chuck" get to serve as volunteer dog-sitters. It saves us hundreds on kennel bills, and Max loves all the extra attention plus more generous portions of kibble than he normally gets in his bowl.

Last week when we left our codependent shepherd, I was happy to be free of him for the drive. Eight hundred miles of shedding and panting tends to wear out my patience for our family mascot. Every time we leave, the biggest dilemma we have for the trip is, "What will we do with Max?" During the holidays, he displaced my daughter's cat and took over her apartment. Last summer, we had a neighbor check on him at home twice a day--turns out it wasn't quite enough. Max has even determined where we would live, as he didn't get along with a former neighbor's dog so we had to move. Obviously, the dog is a high priority for our family.

While taking a break last week from the dog who follows my every move, Sheridan talked me into seeing the movie, "Marley and Me," to which I reluctantly agreed. I grabbed a pile of napkins from the popcorn counter because I'd heard it's a bawl-fest. The film really is a sweet story of how the retriever's mischief becomes family lore, and no matter what he does he will always be an integral part of the clan. At the end of the story when Marley is old and in failing health, I looked at Sheridan and realized that this too could happen to Max! For as much hassle and extra vacuuming he's caused, the idea of the pooch not being around is impossible to imagine.

I "wished Max away" one time a few years ago when we had recently moved from a more rural location in Utah and I realized how much he was shedding indoors. I told the girls quite emphatically that if they couldn't help keep the dog hair off the floors, we'd have to get rid of him. In my frustration I started to clean late that night and then Max escorted me out to the garbage dumpster. I grumbled out loud about being too tired to deal with this, turned around to walk back inside and he was gone. He decided to go back home. I found out at 2:00 a.m. that he had trotted along Highway 101 Southbound (in the right direction!), right up to a Highway Patrol car helping a stranded motorist. When the officer tracked me down that night and returned our family pet, he complimented me on Max's looks and appeared to understand how generally exhausted I was. Tired or not, I decided not to complain and just appreciate all the warmth he brought to our home.

When we picked Max up from Grammie's last night, we could tell he had been sufficiently spoiled by his nurturing part-time dog sitters. He is easy to love, but lots of work of course. If was a relief to have him taken care of by loving family members and not to have him locked up in the house or a kennel. Now I'm back to "the shadow" following me around all day and night, and more cleaning up. After watching the senior citizens have so much fun with him, and seeing the way Marley became a family's historical centerpiece, I am more appreciative of the joy of pets. I'm especially thankful to those who help us take care of our dog when I need a break.

Cool volunteering tips:

• Adopt a part-time pet! Once a week, once a month, or anytime, you can offer to take care of a pet for a friend, neighbor, or a relative. They'll appreciate the help, and the pet will love the extra attention.
  
• Check out this fantastic website to help collect blankets for abandoned animals: http://www.anniesblankets.org/
• For a regular gig working with animals: Contact your local animal shelter, homeless pet organization, or the local humane society.
• Every organization benefiting animals is in need of cash: consider raising donations.
  

"One is Silver and the Other Gold."

This past week, as I have visited the place where I used to live, there has been a spirit of friendship in my life. Every day I've been able to reconnect with old friends and/or enjoy time with new ones. Those I've known for many years have watched my life take twists and turns for better and for worse. My new friends don't seem to care where I've been or who I was in the past; we relish each other's company in the present. Some of these friends have made special efforts to comfort me in times of need, or just to keep in touch when they knew I needed their strength.

Recently, I listened to a commencement speech given by Charlotte Maillard Schultz, Chief of Protocol for the State of California. She commented that one of the ten most important aspects of a successful life is cultivating friendships. Her husband, former Secretary of State George Schultz, is a great example to her for the effort he puts forth to maintain close friendships over a lifetime. She said that this has not come easy to her or her husband; they must constantly and conscientiously work at keeping this balance in their lives.

Not only does nurturing a friendship add equilibrium to the life of the person who instigates, but we never know if someone might be needing our support. I think of some friendships I could have had at times in my life, but I was either self-absorbed or going too fast to take the time for friends. I also cringe at the thought of those who could have befriended me but didn't, sometimes due to my lack of openness. One of those I got to visit this week only became my friend when both our lives simultaneously self-combusted. Soon after our "apocalypses," we discovered many things we had in common and we've been friends ever since. We laughed recently when she said she would have befriended me earlier, but that I didn't "look like" I needed a friend. I told her I'm glad I look like I need one now!

Interspersed with the friendly visits this week, Sheridan and I have been adding some decorative touches to her apartment. It should be no surprise to me that a happy, energetic 20-year-old would chose photos of her family and friends to adorn the walls. These are her priorities, and friends come close to the top of her list. Because in the end, we should all remember the song, "Make New Friends, but Keep the Old. One is Silver and the Other Gold." The ultimate service is sincere and lasting friendship.

Give Me a Lift

An old friend offered me a ride today; we enjoyed a nice conversation as we drove up a windy six-mile stretch, starting the day off in the spirit of camaraderie instead of seclusion. Usually I drive up that road alone, listening to the radio or sinking into deep thought. Solitude is nice, but the synergy between friends can be inspiring.

We spend too much time in our cars alone lately, and it doesn’t usually occur to some of us to double up. We’re accustomed to driving to our destinations with the windows rolled up, the music on, waving to a friend or neighbor as we roll on past. We often don’t take the time to arrange rides together; it’s easier to stick to routines. Or sometimes we’re afraid of people we don’t know well enough to spend that much time in the car. I’m thankful to all the people who have given me a lift—it’s more fun that way.

When I was in high school, there were two or three friends whose parents could always be counted on for transportation. Now that I have high-schoolers of my own, it is comforting to know that several of us parents are sharing the duty. And with my busy schedule, I welcome the chance to ride with a friend. It’s a time to talk casually about the day and arrive at our destination in a positive mood. No matter where we’re headed, there is probably someone we know going our way. Offering a ride not only helps another person, but it can lift our own spirits as well!

The Infirmary

Mothers with children at home cannot, must not, and absolutely should not ever get sick. It is not in the Great Plan, the balance of the Universe. No matter what, at all costs, the march must go forth without interruption--or else. The alternative is the dreaded consequence of unwashed dishes, piles of laundry, towels and socks on the floor, even a dog whining for dinner and a walk. This is not to say spouses can't pitch in, or that children don't help out. But something goes off kilter in the home when Mom is in bed.

This last week brought back memories of my bedridden mother when I was about five years old; she had cornea transplant surgery and was to be completely still for several weeks. (Fortunately the procedure is now done almost painlessly). All I had from Saturday night to Wednesday was an intestinal flu, but my helplessness undoubtedly scared my teenage daughters. They would be surprised to hear it scared me even more. Grace was out of town for a cheerleading competition over the weekend, so Miss Meredith was required to step in as Nurse Meredith and Taxi Driver Meredith. What a great job she did with both duties.

People in our families never seem to get sick when it fits into the routine. I remember so many crazy and unexpected illnesses when my kids were young. Each one of them has taken a turn or two to completely change our plans due to a health crisis. Parents are equipped to deal with this. When the tables are turned, it's not so easy to for children and teenagers. I remember tiptoeing around the house after my mom had her eye surgery and she would ring a little brass bell whenever she needed help. This week I was wishing I had a bell or something, like a hospital buzzer to call for my little helper. She kept checking on me, especially on the worst day when I thought the bug would never leave me.

It's not easy to forget yourself when you're seventeen. There are class assignments to complete, friends to text, and Facebook pages to update. Remembering the old lady at the other end of the house, and trying to figure out something that she might be able to digest, would probably be last on the list. It takes a certain level of compassion and maturity to see another's need. Thanks to Meredith's care and concern this week, I was never forgotten.

Chores or Favors?

Ever since my kids can remember, they have been required to pitch in around the house with a daily chore of some sort, ranging from dish-duty or garbage detail, to yard work. I used to have it all written out, who had to do which job. Now we just operate on the fly, depending on what needs to be done. I've heard some whining over the years, but they seem to have accepted the fact that this will never go away so they may as well deal with it. The Oxford English Dictionary defines a chore: "a piece of (time consuming) drudgery." Yikes. Is that what I've been asking them to do all this time? Ever the idealist, I actually thought we were "all working as a team to improve our home environment!"

Luckily for me, my girls who are still at home have figured something out: if you want Mom to be extra-happy, just pick a chore that you can do before she thinks of it herself and do it. They're catching on so fast to the idea they can choose their work that I don't even stop to realize all the household tasks that are being neglected. On the days when this happens, I'm just happy they're helping out without my asking. And this is the magical point at which a piece of drudgery becomes a favor, "an act of exceptional kindness," as described in the dictionary. What a difference! Our home is not, nor will it ever be, the Martha Stewart-approved habitation I always envisioned. But when my teenagers choose to approach household maintenance in the spirit of kindness rather than obligation, it's much harder for me to notice the dust and smudges and they feel a sense accomplishment from taking the initiative. The smiles and laughter I hear coming from their happy hearts are the perfect trade-offs at the end of a busy day; the chore list can wait.

"I'm There for You."

Helicopter parents get a bad rap for being overprotective. I can say this objectively because I have never had the privilege of joining their ranks. I've had a lot to juggle as a mom; maybe under different circumstances I might have hovered more. The degree of nurturing, caring, and fostering which helicopter offspring experience may look absurd to the outside world, but these promote self-confidence when children know they have a support system. I saw some mighty self-confident young people at the SAT test this morning, where I worked as a proctor.

When my son and oldest daughter took the test, I wished them well in the morning and they were on their way. Some of the kids I saw today received much more, and their quiet smiles showed the understanding that they were not alone. This was a 4-hour test on a drizzly Saturday morning, and several parents walked their students right up to the classroom door. One father even got special permission to help his son with accommodations due to a broken leg. Maybe the son could have hobbled in by himself and figured out how to keep his leg propped up, but I could tell he appreciated the extra care from his dad. We also had a group of seventh-graders taking the test, as part of the College Board Talent Search program. These students had mothers who waited at the door with them, and proudly arrived to pick them up with hugs and smiles the minute the test was finished. Though proctoring a test on the weekend might not have been the most exciting thing on my agenda, I learned about nurturing by watching the faces of these students. Sure, a balance between caring and empowering is always necessary, but a certain degree of doting is essential for kids to fully understand that they have our support.

Some parents have this figured out naturally, while others of us have to work at it. While substitute teaching in a very nurturing classroom last year, I discovered an inspirational poster from Search Institute titled, "Fifty Ways to Show Kids You Care." Some of my favorites from this list were:

• Make yourself available.
• Celebrate their firsts and lasts, such as the first day of school. (Or, their first SAT test!)
  
• Encourage them to think big.

How delightful it was to watch a few parents give these intangibles to their children and teenagers today. For the seventh graders who came, just having the gumption to show up with all the high school juniors takes a lot. One of the boys gave a very loud "Wooo-hooooooo!" as I announced the end of the test. His mom thanked me and told me they were going out for pizza. That boy knew a caring adult was available to celebrate his accomplishment of thinking big!